Epic Farm Boy Read online

  Sheblob disappeared in a flash of darkness and the two heroes glanced dumbly to each other.

  “What was that all about?” Lucas asked.

  Simplin shrugged. “Utter rubbish. Vegetarian spiders that live off of trees. Preposterous.”

  “But, did you see how she grew, and how angry she was?”

  “Oh, what can one spider do?” Simplin asked with a wave. “On what world will she ever find light to consume anyway? Ridiculous idea.”

  CHAPTER 5

  After they had eaten their fill of spider legs, they continued through the forest. Occasionally they would see another spider lurking on the high branches of a tree, clicking and chattering as it rubbed its fangs and worked up a lather of venom.

  “I’ll get this one with my bow,” Lucas said as he turned and set an arrow to his string.

  Simplin puffed air and turned around with an arched brow. “Where in the world did you get a bow from?”

  “I’ve always had it. This is my preferred weapon,” Lucas replied.

  “No, you had an axe. I didn’t see you carrying a bow before.” Simplin the Wise looked up to the sky and cleared his throat. “Just making things up as we go along are we?” Simplin shouted. “You can’t just give him extra stuff in the middle of a quest.”

  There was no response from the sky except for the faint click-clacking of keyboard strokes.

  “He’s ignoring me now,” Simplin grumbled.

  Lucas took aim and let the arrow fly. The missile soared through the air quick and steady, whistling until it tore into the lurking spider and knocked it off the branch to fall to the ground below.

  “Got him,” Lucas said as he slung his bow over his shoulder.

  Simplin led Lucas along the path winding through the trees for several hours, brushing aside stray web strands and careful to keep his staff at the ready. The webs were thick in this part of the forest, covering much of the upper halves of the trees and stretching far and wide between the larger oaks. Then, all at once the webs stopped, as if an invisible barrier had gone up from the ground that prevented the spiders from using their webs at all. Simplin moved to one particularly large elm tree that was absolutely smothered with dense webbing on the western half, but entirely clean on the eastern half.

  “Intriguing,” Simplin said.

  “Look at this,” Lucas called out.

  Simplin turned and saw Lucas uncovering a totem pole of sorts. The wood carving had the faces of many animals facing toward the webs, and goblin faces on the other side. “A border marker,” Simplin said. “Sheblob was at least right that there are goblins here.”

  “My father used to tell me of goblins,” Lucas said. “Nasty, feral creatures that have a lust for blood and will steal the shoes right off your feet.”

  “Your father?” Simplin echoed. “But you’re an orphan…”

  “Oh, right, I meant my gran-gran. She tells me the stories each night before bed. I tuck in with a warm cup of milk and she sits by my bed and tells me about the horrid little creatures.”

  “But you said she died when you were young. Consumption, remember?”

  Lucas frowned. “Well… someone told me. I swear. I know all about goblins.”

  Simplin rolled his eyes and crossed over into the goblin side of the forest. “Come along, farm boy.”

  The trees on this side of the forest seemed to move and shift, as if watching the pair of heroes as they made their way through. The feeling of being watched caused the small hairs on the back of Simplin’s neck to rise. Lucas, on the other hand, seemed unfazed by any of it. He was whistling a happy tune with his axe slung up onto his shoulder and a peppy bounce in his step. Simplin marveled at the way the boy was taking to the adventure, and the grueling pace of travel, as though he had been born to do nothing else.

  Soon, they came up on a large stream. A small river, really, with a waterfall cascading down from a ten-meter-tall ledge of rock. Mist sprayed up and around the pool of water gathered at the base of the waterfall, gently stirring the air about them. In the middle of the pool was a pole, and tied to the pole was a beautiful young woman.

  The young farm boy stopped mid-skip and stared, his mouth agape. “Look at her,” he said breathlessly. “Long, blonde hair, a face shaped by the gods, beautiful curves and—”

  “I have eyes, you know,” Simplin said. “How about seeing if you can get her free from the pole before the goblins come back.”

  Lucas nodded dumbly and went to the edge of the pool. The woman looked up to him and then glanced about nervously.

  “It’s a trap,” she said in a forced whisper.

  Lucas put a finger to his mouth. “Shh! It’s all right, I’ll get you out of there.”

  “No, don’t it’s a trap!” she said.

  Lucas didn’t listen. He set his weapons and boots down on the bank and then plunged into the water, promptly bonking his head on the bottom of the river. Turns out, the water was only waist deep. Lucas stood up and wiped the water from his face in an effort to regain his composure. He then trudged through the water and walked out to the damsel in distress.

  “I’m Lucas,” he said as he went to work untying the knots.

  “Lucas, you really shouldn’t be here,” she said.

  “It’s all right, I’m not afraid.” The knot came free and the ropes fell into the water, releasing the young woman.

  “No, you dunderhead, you don’t understand—”

  As the young woman came free of the pole, something in the water wrapped around his feet and started to squeeze. Thick, scratchy cords sucked his ankles together and yanked his legs out from under him. Lucas yelped and then flailed his arms out before splashing into the water. The ropes pulled him under the surface, dragging him across the silt on the bottom of the pool and then finally hoisting him up next to the waterfall. He dangled there, coughing and sputtering while trying to wipe the water from his face. “Grimwold’s beard!” he muttered.

  A flurry of commotion exploded from the bushes just beyond the pool. Lucas blinked at the person sprinting toward the edge of the pool, bow drawn and aimed at…him!

  “I was trying to rescue her,” Lucas shouted.

  The person with the bow didn’t respond.

  “Caught another one in the forest!” someone shouted as three more people emerged from the forest with Simplin the Wise being dragged across the ground between them.

  “What did you do to him?” Lucas shouted.

  “Relax,” the man said. “He’s fine. One of my men punched him in the mouth while he was trying to conjure up a spell of some sort. The wizard passed out when he realized his lip had split open and started bleeding.”

  “Cut him down,” a second man instructed. The person with the bow fired the arrow.

  Lucas nearly cried out for fear of his impending death, but the arrow cut clean through the rope about two feet above his ankles, dropping him right back into the pool. It took some doing to shake the coils loose from his legs, but he managed well enough so he could swim out of the pool and make his way back to the young woman he had tried to rescue.

  “Mind telling me what’s going on here?”

  The young woman glanced to the top of the waterfall and huffed. “Now the goblins will never fall for the trap,” she said. “You just cost me quite a sum of money.” She gestured to the bank by the side of the pool. She stomped through the water and bent down to inspect Simplin the Wise when she reached the others. “I don’t recognize him,” she said. She turned to Lucas. “Are you fugitives?”

  Lucas shook his head. “No, we’re on a quest,” he replied.

  The men holding Simplin began laughing.

  “Oh for the love of all that’s holy, not more of them,” one of the men said.

  “These parts are rife with idiots,” another said.

  “That’s enough,” the woman interjected. The men immediately closed their mouths and stood a bit straighter. “My name is Glenda. I am the captain of this lot. We are part of a large orga
nization that hunts bounties. Perhaps you have heard of Merc Work Inc.?”

  Lucas shook his head dumbly. “No, should I have?”

  Glenda let out a short growl of dissatisfaction and then bent down to slap Simplin across the face.

  “Who? What!?” Simplin snorted as he struggled up to his feet. He looked around for a moment and then glanced to Lucas, and then to Glenda. “What’s the meaning of this?”

  “We were hunting goblins,” Glenda said. “But now that you lot have come and spoiled our trap, we will not be able to make good on our contract.” Glenda held out her hand. “I expect compensation.”

  “Oh my, well, I er…” Simplin patted his robes, making a scene of it all and frowned back at Lucas. “Now see here, we couldn’t have known about your plot, and you can easily set the trap again. No harm done, I say.”

  “Wrong,” one of the men cut in. “There were two scouts up near the top of the waterfall when the young idiot set off out trap. They won’t fall for it now.”

  “I see,” Simplin said as he tugged on his long, white beard. “Well, then, how about you go and hunt them down? After all, you are bounty hunters right?”

  Glenda shook her head. “I’m not going to follow a goblin raiding party back to their home. We’d be walking into deadly traps of all kinds, not to mention we’d be outnumbered forty to one.”

  “Aye, and we only do battle when the odds are at worst ten-to-one,” another man said. “Once it gets upwards of eleven-to-one, we start to lose too many people. Contract isn’t profitable at that point.”

  Simplin shook his head in disbelief. “I’m sorry, but we really can’t help you.” Simplin walked away and looked skyward. “This is the damsel in distress?” he muttered at the author.

  “What was that?” Glenda asked.

  “Oh, nothing, my dear child, nothing at all. Just the prattling of an old man who needs to sit down for a while and rest his weary bones.”

  Lucas turned to Glenda. “I was only trying to help,” he said as he scratched the back of his head.

  “Well obviously, but you misjudged the entire situation.”

  “Sorry, just I thought you were—”

  “A damsel in distress?”

  Lucas nodded, his cheeks flushing slightly.

  “Ugh,” Glenda huffed as she folded her arms.

  “Here we go,” one of the mercenaries commented under his breath as they all took a collective step back from their commander.

  “You thought that just because I am a woman, I would need a man’s help, is that it? You saw me over there and figured that only a male brain could possibly figure a way out of the problem, am I right?”

  “Well, I, er…I saw you tied up,” Lucas stammered.

  “And surely only a man would know how to untie a rope, is that what you’re saying? Only the male intellect is capable of holding such complicated information inside, right? And yet, you didn’t even stop to think about the situation. Was anyone else nearby? No. Was there imminent danger of the water rising to drown me? No. Was someone standing with a knife to my throat? No! Still, you charged in like the brave young hero you are, ready to save me from my death sentence.”

  “I was just trying to help!” Lucas replied with his hands patting the air.

  “Yes, so eager to help that you wouldn’t even let me speak! I hate that, you know, being talked over as if what I have to say doesn’t matter. Even while I was trying to inform you that I was in control, you wouldn’t listen! And, in true male fashion, your trying to help actually made things horribly, terribly worse! Now the contract will be much harder to complete. Instead of luring the goblins to us and picking off their chief easily, I will have to either spend valuable time devising another plan, or fight them head on, which is going to cost lives.”

  “Although, fewer survivors means more profits for the rest of you, right?” Simplin cut in. “So it will all work out in the end, I’m sure.”

  Glenda turned her head slowly to set her eyes upon Simplin. There was a blur of movement, and then everyone gasped as the point of Glenda’s sword came to rest on Simplin’s throat. “If I wanted piss-poor excuses for causing trouble, I would go and find my ex-husband.”

  “Point taken,” Simplin said.

  “The point hasn’t been given yet,” Glenda said as she made a show of turning her wrist and letting the tip of her sword spin on Simplin’s flesh. She then turned back to Lucas, leaving her sword on Simplin’s neck. “There is a way you can undo the wrong you have done to me,” she said.

  Lucas nodded eagerly. “Name it, and I’ll do it.”

  “Of course you will,” Glenda replied. “I wasn’t offering you a choice. It’s either you do what I say to help me recover my contract, or I kill you both right here.”

  Lucas’ eyebrows shot up.

  “The two of you are going to go into the goblin cave. You will attack the first goblin you see, and then you will run out. We will be set up at the entrance, ready to kill the buggars as they chase you. If you survive, then you will have your freedom returned to you. If you fail, then you will pay for your mistake with your lives.”

  Lucas puffed out his chest and offered a short nod. “It would be my genuine pleasure to assist you, my lady.”

  “You aren’t assisting me,” Glenda snarled. “You are serving me, the way a worm serves a fisherman. Make no mistake that I hold you in no higher regard than a writhing worm on a hook. Have I made myself clear?”

  Lucas gulped.

  “Now, come along. We have work to do.”

  Simplin glanced skyward, shooting a scowl up at Jack. This was not in the notes that I took.

  CHAPTER 6

  Lucas and Simplin the Wise crouched behind a large briar bush, peering through the thorny vines at the cave entrance before them. A single goblin stood out front, leaning lazily upon a long, crudely fashioned crooked spear that was little more than a long branch with a knife lashed to the top. Behind the pot-bellied goblin was a large brazier made of stone, with a red fire swaying back and forth in the light breeze. Over the entrance to the cave was the tell-tale sign of goblins: human skulls strung together and hanging down over the opening in a grotesque warning.

  “What’s the plan?” Simplin asked in a whisper.

  “Take out my axe, run in, kill them all,” Lucas replied evenly.

  Simplin blinked and turned to regard the young farm boy. “That, is not a plan.”

  Lucas shrugged. “Sure it is. As long as I don’t deviate from it, I’ll win. All the goblins die, Glenda is happy, we go free.”

  “We have to think of something better than that,” Simplin said.

  Just then a terrible scream erupted out from the cave.

  “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

  “Someone’s in trouble!” Lucas said. “We have to charge in there.”

  “No, wait!” Simplin said, but it was too late.

  Lucas jumped up to his feet, spun around for momentum, and released his axe. The blade whistled through the air and made a sickening kathunk as it sank into the goblin guard’s chest. The farm boy—

  “Ahem!” Simplin looked up, tapping his foot impatiently.

  Sor-ry! Jack thought to himself. He backed the cursor over the last sentence and restarted.

  The epic farm boy ran around the briar bush, retrieved his axe, and darted into the cave without hesitation, leaving Simplin outside… where he couldn’t interrupt Jack during the upcoming fight scene.

  “Oh come on!” Simplin shouted.

  “Shush!” Jack replied hotly.

  Simplin folded his arms in a huff, the way a two-year old might when denied a piece of candy, and waited outside.

  Lucas rushed down into the winding, musty cavern. Just as he rushed around a bend, two goblins were walking his way. Neither had the chance to react before Lucas attacked. His axe went up at an angle, chopping off the first goblin’s head and sending blood all over the second’s face.

  “Yuckity-yuck-yuck!” the second goblin sputtere
d.

  Lucas let the momentum of his swing take his axe out to his right side, and he leaned into his left shoulder, plowing into the second goblin, who was still wiping frantically at his face. They both went down to the ground. The goblin struck the back of his head on the stone, while Lucas gracefully somersaulted over and beyond the goblin. A moment later, Lucas dropped his axe and cleaved the goblin’s skull in two, spilling green blood and gray brains across the rocky ground.

  “Whoa!” Simplin shouted, having snuck his way into the cave whilst the author had been caught up in the thrill of battle. “A bit gory for the young ones, isn’t it? I thought this was a family story?” Simplin then put a hand to his stomach, lurched forward as if to retch, and promptly passed out.

  Jack grunted and typed furiously, placing Simplin back outside, and three hundred yards away from the entrance.

  Seeing the wizard disappear, Lucas shrugged and continued on his way. His pounding boots echoed through the tunnel as he raced downward. Firelight now lit the way as torches hung from the walls every twenty yards or so, casting shadows along the stone and lending a smoky odor to the air.

  Up ahead was another bend, and this time there were several shadows dancing upon the wall coming toward him.

  “They must have heard me coming,” Lucas commented aloud to himself. He pulled up just before rounding the corner and waited, axe held up and at the ready. He closed his eyes and listened to the pattern of footsteps slapping the ground. Then, as they came within range, he spun around the corner, axe flying swiftly at chest height. The blade chopped through a goblin’s raised arm and then plunged into another goblin’s chest.

  Rushing forward to retrieve his weapon, Lucas wrapped his strong hands around the shaft of the axe. Though he tried, he couldn’t pull the axe free once more before the other two goblins charged him, spears jabbing at his belly. He leapt back and pulled a knife from his belt. He threw it at the closest goblin, but the nimble creature batted it away with his spear. The two with spears advanced while the goblin with the severed arm knelt, sobbing and clenching a hand over his spurting stump. The fourth goblin was lying on his back, dead as a skunk run-over by a royal carriage, axe sticking out of his chest.